Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

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90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.

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I’m not feeling very worky today.

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Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

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I hate math, but I love counting money.

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I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep everyone away, whatever their profession.

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Yes, I was behind the DJ booth, but only as a cultural anthropologist.

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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than earplugs; I simply will not hear it.

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The female brain works like the internet. You can delete something, but it’s never really gone.

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A person that weights 200 pounds on Earth weighs 76 pounds on Mars. So I’m not overweight, I’m on the wrong planet.