When I get filthy rich, I will stay humble by continuing to use grocery bags as bathroom trash bags.

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I’m so old, I used to block people by simply holding the door shut.

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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

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I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

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Someone at my job mentioned severance, and I was like, “Oh my God, I love that show,” and they said, “No, I’m about to get fired.”

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Want to come over? We can trauma dump, take a nap, and then order a pizza and watch a movie.

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You know who else works in mysterious ways? Me.

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Your suitcase just texted. It’s getting bored.

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I changed my alarm clock sound to an applause, it’s the least I deserve for waking up at 7am.

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I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep, not screaming, like the passengers in his car.