I get so embarrassed for no reason after posting on social media, like, why am I showing my life?

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“You changed!” Yeah, I thought three days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it.

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My spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

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Whoever has designed parking garages is either an architectural genius or an evil sadist.

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Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

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Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

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I’ll marry the person who can go to a family event with me and still like me afterward.

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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

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If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.