Don’t believe in yourself, you can’t do it.

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Thought I was a minimalist, turns out I’m just broke.

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My body is a machine that turns pizza into diarrhea.

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Celery is depressing green water wafers.

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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day.

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Toilets are not a crime scene, traces may be removed!

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I think Australians should have to go three rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”. I’m never included in anything.

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Naked and Afraid because there’s a spider in the shower with me.

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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

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Stop worrying about being weird and start being weirder.