When you thought something would be easy peasy lemon squeezy, but it’s actually been stressy, depressy, lemon zesty.

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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face and destroy those who’ve angered me.

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Fleetwood Mac said that I could go my own way, your honor.

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You want me to do Pilates? The thing that killed Jesus?

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Relationship status: I’m the only one wearing my hoodies.

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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

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Having a crush on someone is just having a lack of information on someone.

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Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

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I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

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Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone.

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At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help?