My cat runs a secret cult. I just pay the rent.

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They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

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The lion does not concern himself with divorce papers.

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Me, on New Year’s Eve: I think instead of kissing at midnight, I’m just going to go outside and scream.

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Anxiety should have a loyalty rewards program.

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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long.

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It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts.

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I love when I clean my whole apartment just to sit in it like a Victorian widow waiting for bad news.

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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence.

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Most venomous snakes just make “Tsssss”. But I know some that say “Hi”.

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Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding ‘experts say’ at the beginning.