You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house.

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Opening up to a woman is like talking to the police, anything you say can and will be used against you.

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People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs, but I need chocolate.

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So does everybody have a collection of grocery bags that you keep inside of a grocery bag?

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In case any nudes of me should appear somewhere: It was very cold that day.

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That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people.

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I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

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Tuesday is no better than Monday.

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Why the hell is it called the restroom? I am fighting for my life in here.

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What if all the ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

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I didn’t like my beard at first… then it grew on me.