How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.

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With a lollipop in one hand and a dandelion in the other, concentration is very important, as every summer child knows.

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Nothing hits harder than opening the fridge for the fifth time, hoping new food magically appeared.

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My favorite game is to guess if my headache is due to dehydration, migraine, malnutrition, stress, lack of sleep, poor position, or a brain tumor.

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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

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People who shower at night are bold enough to assume tomorrow’s even happening.

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Thanks to social media, you can now meet weirdos from the comfort of your own home.

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I’m not enjoying this slow-burn apocalypse. I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show.

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If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems.

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My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.