Dear sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back!

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I love being wrong, it’s just like being right except easier and I get to be stupid, which is my favorite thing.

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My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do when I sing, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” while I’m cleaning.

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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying. And I can cry without chopping an onion.

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Parents be like, “I gave you everything I had,” and by everything, they meant the collector’s edition boxed set of mental illness.

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After a vacation, I usually return to work with a fresh, reenergized hatred for my job.

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When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.

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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

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I’m pretty sure by now that we’re some kind of satire channel on some other planet.

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I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

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All pants are tear away pants if you’re strong enough.