A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has downloaded:

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has viewed:

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

If you finish every sentence with “as the prophecy foretold”, your coworkers will leave you alone.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has viewed:

Can’t believe penguins have to publish all those books with their tiny hands.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has viewed:

Dear predictive text, I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has copied:

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

My wallet is like an onion; opening it makes me cry.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has viewed:

The purpose of life is to go insane sooner or later.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has bookmarked:

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has copied:

I have nothing in common with people who “forget to eat”.