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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇪🇹 has viewed:

How do I tell the mosquitoes that I don’t consent?

Someone from 🇵🇪 has copied:

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has bookmarked:

Taylor Swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has bookmarked:

Forgot how fun it is to post IG stories. I feel like a female filmmaker.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has downloaded:

The answer is a cabin in the woods, by the way.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has downloaded:

Happy new fear!

Someone from 🇱🇨 has shared:

I love being left to my own devices. It’s like yeah, these are my devices.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has viewed:

There is no physiological reason to yell when you sneeze. People who do that are simply weak and rude.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has shared:

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,425

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Twitch:

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Live now on Messenger:

Starting drama with me the week before my period is an absolutely terrible idea – for you.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

You can add tears while cooking if you don’t have salt.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

Just landed via WeChat:

I hate it when someone asks me what I did yesterday. I don’t know. Breathed a lot, probably got mad at something … sighed heavily. The list goes on.

Spotted on Discord:

Guys will say, “I know a spot,” and then take you on a downward spiral.

Seen just now on Reddit:

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn. It’s dead yarn now though.

Making waves on TikTok:

Might go to prison so I can focus on the gym properly.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

The potholes in my city will change your radio station and unlock the doors.

Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.

3 weeks ago

Witty text about the humorous struggle of inventing new worries.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
Running out of traditional worries, so I'm becoming a worry pioneer! 🚀🤔

excuse, humor, invention, new, procrastination, things, worry

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79 shares on Discord this month:

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own bed.

22 shares on Facebook this month:

Help, I accidentally used dark humor with normal people, and now they’re concerned for my mental health.

81 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The final level of being smart is just pretending you don’t know anything to make your life easier.

19 shares on Pinterest this month:

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them.

94 shares on Instagram this month:

Oh, to live in simpler times, when there was nothing to do but sit by the seashore and contemplate the miracle of existence.

73 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Best thing about TikTok is you literally don’t need to follow anyone to have a good time.

99 shares on Facebook this month:

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?” I went missing in a national park.

30 shares on TikTok this month:

Biggest flex is when your friend’s mom uses you as a good example.

84 shares on Slack this month:

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does.

36 shares on Facebook this month:

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask what the crap is all about.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has downloaded:

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”. Apparently, the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has downloaded:

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has viewed:

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has shared:

I put my bathroom scale in the corner, and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has copied:

It’s not getting better or worse, but rather a third mysterious thing.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

Giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has shared:

If you like true crime stories, I highly recommend the history of the Catholic Church.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has viewed:

I really thought adulthood would be 50% freedom and 50% fun. Turns out it’s 100% bills.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has shared:

Money enters like Beyoncé and exits like Britney.

Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on Telegram:

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Breaking via Slack:

Nothing is smaller than the X on ads to click them away.

Going viral on Telegram:

Why count sheep when I can count my troubles?

Going viral on Discord:

It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.

Shared recently on Reddit:

Europeans read a lot because their television shows suck.

Spotted on Slack:

Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Adulting is difficult. One minute you’re proud of yourself, the next minute you feel like you’re not doing enough.

Just landed via Slack:

Sometimes you have to sit back and imagine what life could be if it wasn’t a horrifying nightmare.

Making waves on Discord:

It’s crazy how genuinely entertaining it is to stare into an open fire. That’s some real epigenetic memory shit.

Going bananas on Discord:

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

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Activity Log ✨

Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.

With great power comes the absolute certainty that you’ll turn into a right douche.

Seems like paleontologists always have a bone to pick.

If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.

All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.

Keep the laugh going 😂

With great power comes the absolute certainty that you’ll turn into a right douche.

Seems like paleontologists always have a bone to pick.

If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.

All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.

Reverse cowgirl so I can post selfies.

US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history?

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