Cleaned the bathroom window. Wasn’t frosted glass at all.

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Just once I’d like my dog to give me a treat.

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What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

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I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

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I’m sorry that I bit you, I was trying to flirt.

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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

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Our pronunciation of the word “colonel” does feel like group psychosis.

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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

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We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.

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My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

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Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.