Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.

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Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

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Ludacris once said “If you ain’t got no money take yo’ broke ass home” and I haven’t left the house since.

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Home is where you can look ugly and enjoy it.

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Restaurant toilets are dangerous! So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished.

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Getting old would be so fun if you didn’t wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat.

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What wine pairs well with the kids being stuck inside during a heat wave?

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It’s lowkey nothing else to do except become a better version of yourself, lol.

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Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

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Men don’t chew on toothpicks all day anymore.

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I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”