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Someone from 🇬🇦 has shared:

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns, so obviously I’m dying.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has shared:

I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has shared:

At the end of the day, it’s just me and me.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has downloaded:

The problem with rich people is that I am not one.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has shared:

I really think my coworkers and I deserve an Oscar for acting like everything at work is fine.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has bookmarked:

I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has bookmarked:

My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

Spotify Wrapped isn’t enough, I want an Excel spreadsheet of my listening habits.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has downloaded:

It’s so beautiful to see people just give up at work this time of year. I’m getting emails that do not include any complete sentences.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Snapchat:

Corporate life requires an ass-licking skill set I simply wasn’t born with.

Going viral on Reddit:

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

Live now on Snapchat:

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

Just shared via Facebook:

Apparently, throwing the remote against the wall didn’t help recharging the batteries.

Breaking via X:

I hate hotel bath towels. So thick and fluffy, I can’t even close my suitcase.

Seen just now on Messenger:

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

How to write complaints: “Dear customer service, first of all, you should know that I am typing this with my middle finger.”

Live now on Pinterest:

I want Wolverine claws. Not for violence or anything. I want them for easing my way through reality. Like opening an Amazon package.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

When I try to figure out rows vs. columns, I just row away in my boat of confusion!

Does bisexual mean twice as sexual or once every other sexual?

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Witty and playful text questioning bisexuality with a humorous twist on sexuality.

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Commentary:
Twice the fun, double the confusion! 🤔😂❤️

bisexual, every, humor, mean, once, orientation, sexual, sexual orientation, sexuality, twice, wordplay

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10 shares on TikTok this month:

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

26 shares on WeChat this month:

Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.

68 shares on Twitch this month:

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

82 shares on Reddit this month:

Floppy disks are like Jesus. They died to become the icon of saving.

98 shares on Messenger this month:

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression.

28 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I highly recommend having hobbies. It distracts you from things like falling in love.

34 shares on Discord this month:

We were supposed to have flying cars and other cool stuff, but instead we have AI videos showing Michael Jackson eat at McDonald’s.

88 shares on WeChat this month:

I’m not even sure what I’m doing on this planet.

60 shares on YouTube this month:

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

96 shares on Slack this month:

As soon as the sun comes back out, I want a beer. It’s science.

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Someone from 🇷🇼 has copied:

Someone yelled “hey, retard!” and I looked back.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has downloaded:

Young witches boil every cauldron on high.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has copied:

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has copied:

I touched grass today, and I’m still like this. Please advise.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has copied:

Getting paid 26 times in 365 days is not my destiny.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has bookmarked:

Really looking forward to the day my teenager starts speaking English again.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has viewed:

Call me constipated the way I don’t give a shit.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has bookmarked:

I poked your tweet with a stick, hoping it would do something.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has viewed:

It’s so foggy outside. Y’all gotta stop vaping.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has copied:

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Pinterest:

They should invent a day where I don’t think.

Just landed via YouTube:

You don’t read Dostoevsky. You survive him.

Broadcasted on X:

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence.

Spotted on Threads:

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!

Just shared via Reddit:

Do you guys remember when we had to share one desktop computer wіth the whole famіly?

Trending via Discord:

Who is praying on my downfall right now and can you stop?

Just shared via Twitch:

What is Washington’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat?

Making waves on TikTok:

I’m going to sleep. Anyone want anything?

Making waves on Facebook:

There should be a three-day weekend: one day to do nothing, one day to do something, and one day to do laundry.

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Activity Log ✨

Does bisexual mean twice as sexual or once every other sexual?

Sex is so embarrassing. Like, why did I want to do that to you?

Do you want to sit on the porch with me until we die or not?

The homie who’s ultimately just a pawn in your grand scheme.

Problems are like balls. Everyone thinks they have bigger ones than you.

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Activity Log ✨

Does bisexual mean twice as sexual or once every other sexual?

Keep the laugh going 😂

Being quiet in a room full of loud people is my favorite sport.

Sex is so embarrassing. Like, why did I want to do that to you?

Do you want to sit on the porch with me until we die or not?

The homie who’s ultimately just a pawn in your grand scheme.

Can y’all just post your therapist’s advice in the comments so I don’t have to go?

Problems are like balls. Everyone thinks they have bigger ones than you.

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