Don’t forget to make everything about you today.

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…and so ends another week of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.

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Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

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Unless I say otherwise, I am always tired.

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On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

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Sometimes, before bedtime, I fall asleep on the couch. It’s my little sleep appetizer… my nappetizer.

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My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

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I don’t understand baby oil. What are we greasing up all those babies for?