Due to not wanting to, I will not be.

93 shares on Telegram this month:

Nobody is doing it like me because this is probably not the right way to do it.

53 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

55 shares on Threads this month:

Parents be like, “I gave you everything I had,” and by everything, they meant the collector’s edition boxed set of mental illness.

40 shares on Discord this month:

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

18 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Halloween is over and most people just keep on being creepy.

92 shares on TikTok this month:

If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

91 shares on Instagram this month:

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

15 shares on Facebook this month:

Drinking through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.

79 shares on Facebook this month:

If Dracula had a cat, she’d be the one sleeping in the coffin.

52 shares on Discord this month:

If the earth was flat, many people would have already jumped off it.