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Someone from 🇱🇾 has copied:

You know who’s gonna love you in the end? Your dog.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has downloaded:

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has shared:

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has viewed:

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has bookmarked:

Caffeine: the adult version of fairy dust.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has bookmarked:

I have never seen a sad person sliding down a water slide.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has viewed:

I read classics because my FOMO is making me want to understand every reference ever.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

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15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Facebook:

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

Going viral on Telegram:

You don’t get much engagement? Have you tried being retarded.

Seen just now on Reddit:

There’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink. It’s already wet.

Just shared via Twitch:

For years I thought an oncologist was just the doctor they kept on-call at all times.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Sometimes I shower in the dark and pretend I’m in a rainforest on an alien planet.

Just shared via TikTok:

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Shared recently on Telegram:

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Please, Tinder, add AI to your app. I don’t want to be involved in the modern dating experience. Let a robot do it for me. Let the machines suffer in our place.

Going bananas on Facebook:

Instead of making a sound, car alarms that go off at night should blast your name so everyone knows it’s your car.

Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

1 day ago

Funny Quotes

Playful advice about marriage humor, warning against asking about dinner during lawn work.

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Commentary:
Why stop there? Ask what's for dessert while she's fixing the roof! 😜🛠️🥧

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80 shares on LinkedIn this month:

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

88 shares on TikTok this month:

My thighs are bigger than my chances in life.

34 shares on Snapchat this month:

Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

69 shares on X this month:

I’m the kind of crazy you weren’t warned about because no one knew this level existed.

66 shares on Telegram this month:

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

56 shares on Twitch this month:

Asking women for sex just to end the conversation.

43 shares on Discord this month:

Shoutout to video games, man. I love having a reason to live.

57 shares on Telegram this month:

The funniest thing I heard an elder say, “My generation had Wonder Woman, your generation has to wonder if it’s a woman.”

29 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

33 shares on Snapchat this month:

Me waking up: wow, I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇺🇬 has downloaded:

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has bookmarked:

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has shared:

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has shared:

Tried online dating, and it turns out my soulmate is a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details to escape his kingdom.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has viewed:

Some people get it. Most people don’t.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has downloaded:

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesn’t play the song I want.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has bookmarked:

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Someone from 🇲🇼 has copied:

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has viewed:

I would have loads of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has bookmarked:

They should invent something in between coffee and narcotics.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Facebook:

If you have nothing nice to say, I promise you that I’ll have something even worse to say back.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

“I’m not falling for that again,” I say, as I’m about to fall for whatever that is again.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Why learn new slang? Stay bogus.

Seen just now on Facebook:

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognized him by lunch time.

Seen just now on Facebook:

Yabba dabba doo used to be a rad way to start a Saturday.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Everyone else time traveling: Preventing wars or the spread of disease. Me: Buying multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making.

Trending via Reddit:

First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

Making waves on Slack:

I did 30 minutes of chores, time for a 7-hour break.

Just landed via TikTok:

They lie on the job descriptions, so lie on your resume.

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Activity Log ✨

Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

Voice messages. Just call, goddamnit!

Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

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Activity Log ✨

Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

Voice messages. Just call, goddamnit!

Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

I hate when people tell me I need to “get out of my comfort zone,” like I don’t even have a comfort zone; I am literally always uncomfortable.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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