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3 weeks ago
Share →: I remember when “disinformation” used to be called “lies.”

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Ah, the good ol' days when it was just Pinocchio's resume getting updated! 😂🤥📜

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Someone from 🇺🇿 has viewed:

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally, I would have known you in a past life.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has bookmarked:

A sandwich has the power to change your entire life.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has downloaded:

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision.

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I hope the next time you’re stressed, it’s because you’re choosing between Japan, Bali, Switzerland, or the Maldives.

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Girls ask for help to open a jar, but can throw a couch during an argument.

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Group projects taught me how to do everything alone and trust no one.

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You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

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Asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu.

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A Monday every week is excessive.

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I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

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Making waves on Threads:

Someday I’ll learn how to emotion like a proper human.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Do you guys remember when we had to share one desktop computer wіth the whole famіly?

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years. Then we met.

Breaking via Snapchat:

50 shades of single.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context.

Broadcasted on WhatsApp:

You ever get surprised by your own recurring issues? Like, come on man, I thought we were past this.

Seen just now on Twitch:

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Spotted on Discord:

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

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Instead of renting an apartment, I’m going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it.

Sounds like you are suffering from a lack of vitamin Me.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

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This quote is invisible. Only people who masturbate a lot can read it.

Texas Chain Saw Massacre is full of plot holes. What happens to the victims when they die? Is there an afterlife?

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen.

Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”. I’m never included in anything.

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The concept of a drive-by doesn’t really exist in the swamp biome; instead, people rap about doing bog-emerges.

The only thing you can count on with some people is that you can’t count on them.

They should make statues of regular people, like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff.

Not smiling until Friday; nothing is funny this week.

If cats could text you back, they wouldn’t.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

We do it every night. Annoy each other.

I can’t date until the curse is lifted.

Brushing your teeth at night is a hellish chore. Walking from bed to bathroom feels harder than working in the mines all day. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

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