Commentary:
Getting ready to stuff myself with turkey and lots of "Joe Briden" debates 🍗😂🦃
395 Funny every quotes
Every Friday, I’m like, “This weekend I’m getting my life together,” and then… I don’t.
Commentary:
Weekend resolutions: 0, Couch potato: 1 🛋️🥔🎉
Every morning I wake up and make the worst possible time management decisions anyone has ever made.
Commentary:
Looks like there are 48 hours in your 24-hour day! ⏰😂📆
I lied, I’m jealous. I hope every girl who looks at you gets clipped by a meteor.
Commentary:
Smashing that space rock game: Why let Cupid have all the fun when you can send meteors? 😉🌠
SHEIN does entirely too much on their app. Feels like a freaking casino every time you open it.
Commentary:
Shein: Where your shopping cart feels like a slot machine. 🎰🛒✨
Behind every great tweet is a person rolling their eyes.
Commentary:
When my tweet goes viral, I'm just exercising my eye rolls for the red carpet 👀🎤 #EyeRollOlympics
Paid my rent and slept in every room of my house this week, kitchen and laundry room next.
Commentary:
Living that luxury lifestyle where my couch and stovetop become my guest rooms! 🛋️🍳🏰
Growing up, there was a Cody in every elementary school class, but as an adult, I haven’t met a Cody in years. Where did they go?
Commentary:
Maybe all the Codys have formed a secret society of adults who still know the best hide-and-seek spots 🕵️♂️🙌😂
Here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. Some apples are delicious, some taste bad. Sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. You know what’s the same every time? Doritos.
Commentary:
Ah yes, the great battle of nutritional roulette vs. dependable Dorito dust! 🍎🎲🔶
ADHD is when you buy a blender and then make smoothies every day for 2 weeks, and then never make one or even acknowledge your blender ever again.
Commentary:
"When your blender joins the witness protection program after those intense 2 weeks 😂🥤🔍"