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2 months ago
Share →: Listen to your body? The body that craves a lethal amount of Kinder Bueno?

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"Listen to my body? But it's the same body that thinks six donuts is a balanced meal! 😅🍩🍩🍩"

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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

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One day you’re cool and then the next, you realize your favorite pair of pants are sweatpants from the grocery store.

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My toxic trait is optimism.

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Flirting back when you’re bored can really get you into some unwanted situations.

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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much pizza.

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When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating.

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My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

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I never give second chances, just 10 and then goodbye.

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I like when the superheroes that can fly pick up and carry the ones that can’t.

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Just landed via YouTube:

Going through life with a signature I invented as a teenager.

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My birth year getting a lil too far on those lil scroll lists. I don’t like that.

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Since you’re all so in love, switch phones for Valentine’s Day!

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Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

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“Well, at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination.

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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

I like winter because I fundamentally understand I deserve to suffer.

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Taking off my house pajamas to put on my errands pajamas.

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Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

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My desire to be informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

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Funny Kinder Bueno quotes

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I was actually about to do a workout when the couch threw itself protectively under me.

I’m in my thirties, but I still feel like I am in my twenties; then I hang out with people in their twenties, and I’m like nope, definitely in my thirties.

Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.

Are you ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend like one month in the hospital?

Whoever told you there’s no such thing as a stupid question lied.

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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

Do men know they don’t have to keep their clothing until it disintegrates?

Thank God I have a cat. Who else is gonna shit in this box I have?

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Maybe your soulmate’s just late, like, wildly behind schedule.

I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

My therapist says I’m preoccupied with revenge. She’s going to regret that.

Hiccups became less popular. I never hear people hiccuping anymore. What’s going on there?

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Just heard my knee crack so loud I expected it to glow in the dark.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field.

The Gulf of Mexico should’ve been renamed to Sea Señor.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

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