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5 months ago
Share →: Building a snowman so I can punch it in the face.

Commentary:
Looks like someone's taking out their winter aggression on a defenseless snowman! ❄️☃️ Better watch out, Frosty, you're in for a frosty showdown! Hopefully, no snowmen were harmed in the making of this snowy drama! ⛄😆 #SnowmanSmackdown

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Someone from 🇧🇪 has shared:

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has viewed:

Never share a secret with a clock. Because time will tell.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has bookmarked:

It’s freezing cold outside and my polar bear won’t start.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has bookmarked:

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has shared:

Most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has viewed:

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has downloaded:

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has viewed:

Twitter is like a psych ward with no staff.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has bookmarked:

Liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Messenger:

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Breaking via Facebook:

No, baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

Seen just now on TikTok:

The T in depression stands for the therapy places that are immediately available.

Making waves on Facebook:

I’ll never be badass enough to walk around chewing on a toothpick.

Making waves on Telegram:

We decided to have money instead of children.

Spotted on Facebook:

I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

Broadcasted on Discord:

Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.

Seen just now on WeChat:

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Broadcasted on WeChat:

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.

Freshly posted on Slack:

You get to a certain age and realize stretching is non-negotiable.

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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin. Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Me, one week before the new year: Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

I wish I had the determination of my wife, who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Shoutout to everyone who can’t keep up with the laundry or the dishes but decided it was a great idea to start gardening.

The number of times I stand in a room, staring because I forgot why I walked in there, is embarrassingly high.

Gonna go walk the beach and stare annoyingly at couples. May even growl as I pass by.

Our dog snores so loud, we had to rename him Grandpa.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Does anyone know the password to my work computer? Or how to do my job?

Being gracefully insane is the secret to staying somewhat sane in an insane world.

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes him cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

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