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23 hours ago
Share →: Saying “essentially” is a more sophisticated way of saying “basically.

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I always say "essentially" when I want to sound like I almost graduated from my TED Talk binge-watching university 🎓😄

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Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

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Welcome to your fifties. Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine, and chicken noodle soup.

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I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

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Still don’t understand how girls with no jobs be holding iPhones.

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I like you because we hate the same people.

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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

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Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

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My card declined at Subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me.

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Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely fulfilled the prophecy.

Slim Shady implies the existence of Thicc Sunny.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

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God sends you an only child as a friend to test you.

God knew I would be too powerful if I had conversation skills.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring.

Life is weird and then you die.

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Me summer vacation planning: I’m going to Europe. Bank account: You’re going camping.

The heart wants what it wants, but it’s not the only organ that has a vote.

Someone told me I wasn’t thinking clearly, as if that’s even an option.

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Saying “shut up” before skipping the YouTube ad is literally necessary.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

My recliner and I go way back.

When I was a young boy, the doctor told me I had a lazy eye. By the time I was 50, it had spread to the rest of my body.

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”, which was a lot more accurate.

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