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10,000+ funny quotes

63 Funny unexpected quotes

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.

3 months ago

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

3 months ago

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea.

3 months ago

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

3 months ago

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

3 months ago

Walking up to any crime scene and whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving.

3 months ago

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

3 months ago

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

3 months ago

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

3 months ago

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

3 months ago

How do you react when you see someone you respect on an e-scooter?

3 months ago

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

3 months ago

This could have been an email. Me, while attending a wedding ceremony.

3 months ago

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a hotel tucked bed sheet.

3 months ago

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

3 months ago

If I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking, I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

3 months ago

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

3 months ago

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

3 months ago

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

3 months ago

I’m the kind of crazy you weren’t warned about because no one knew this level existed.

3 months ago