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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms.

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Changing my relationship status from “Single” to “I give up.”

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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

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Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breath out carbon dioxide for plants.

Someone from has bookmarked:

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

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In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight. In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

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Reverse cowgirl, so we can both address the elephant in the room.

Someone from has viewed:

Nurse: “This may hurt.” Me: “My life hasn’t been much fun either.”

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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Someone from has shared:

Eating fast food shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough.