Going to the beach is 99% getting ready for the beach and 1% enjoying the beach.

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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me.

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I’m only an introvert until I meet people worth extroverting with.

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I want to sleep but my brain won’t stop talking to itself.

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Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

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The main problem is that far too many people have far too easy access to podcast equipment.

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Life would be so much easier if the nose of people who lie all the time did actually grow longer like Pinocchio’s.

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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there.

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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

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It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.