I am a friend to all cats. Yes, even the mean ones. They have their reasons.

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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has downloaded:

Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has downloaded:

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge?

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You should be able to google what someone said to you at the bar last night.

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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999.

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The fact that I have a lot of wine in the house proves that I don’t drink much. Otherwise the wine would be gone.

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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura.

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Unlike men, women would immediately admit their mistakes if they had any.

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Blood pressure too high to chase these hoes.