I am cassette tape years old.

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The most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower.

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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

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I just think we should kiss. And kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. But that’s just me.

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I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

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My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head.

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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

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I came, I saw, I took a selfie as proof that I came and saw.

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I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

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Opening a Star Wars pub called Bar Bar Binks.

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No, I didn’t eat enough protein today, but I did think of you with enough intensity to generate new muscle tissue in my heart.