I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

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I haven’t exaggerated in like a million years.

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You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

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“Excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries?” Me, interrupting a couple fighting.

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Asking my dentist a question, but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies.

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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.

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Carefully choosing which wine to pair with a McRib.

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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn.

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I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye.

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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

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When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.