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I had 99 problems but getting divorced solved 98 of them.

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My first mistake of my life was my birth.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

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I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.

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I’m slowly becoming an adult. Please make it stop.

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You cannot trust me at a zoo because I’ll release the animals.

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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history.

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Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute.

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No matter how early you get up, fate always gets up half an hour earlier.