I hope you can hear me thinking about you.

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Sometimes I use big words I don’t always fully understand, in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

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Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

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At the grocery store, but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

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They should invent a political party that doesn’t suck.

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Most people who have found themselves are amazed to discover that there is nothing there at all.

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It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.

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I suck at flirting. I’ll be like “is that so?”

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My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

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That fight could’ve been an email.

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I’ve mastered farting, and it be loud and quick, but the key is don’t make a face or look around, so people can’t pinpoint it to you. Just act natural.