I was born a boy, but according to the packaging, I identify as a family of four.

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That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

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I like people who make eye contact like they know something I don’t.

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Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

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They’re making me get out of bed.

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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please make it study.

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I have found that there is usually a lot of day left at the end of my patience.