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Sometimes, when I need a really good nightโ€™s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in.

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I don’t like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. I bet I like bananas almost as much as they do.

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The best part about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that bed of yours – left, right, middle.

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Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries: it fills you up nicely but without the buzz…

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Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

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A guy who never leaves his apartment so he can get the maximum value out of his rent.

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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

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Canโ€™t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

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Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

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Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

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I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.

I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.

Commentary:
"Same, but my genes seem to be more 'relaxed fit' ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ‘– #GeneticsGotJokes"



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