I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

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I used to mix Mountain Dew with the cheapest vodka I could find, and I called it the Blood of Mannaroth because it’s green and turns you into an orc.

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Due to personal reasons, I’m evil now.

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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry right now” and I don’t think this little guy knows how donuts work.

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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you.

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Every day is a D-Day, if you’re a stutterer.

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“It can’t get any worse than this”, I lie to myself knowing it will absolutely get worse.

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That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people.