If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has downloaded:

I’m not joining no alternate Twitter app. If this gets taken down, I’m starting a family.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has viewed:

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has bookmarked:

I was actually about to do a workout when the couch threw itself protectively under me.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has downloaded:

When someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well, maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has bookmarked:

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has bookmarked:

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has bookmarked:

Hey there, Delilah, what’s it like in new orc city?

Someone from 🇸🇱 has downloaded:

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has copied:

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has shared:

My bank account is also in retrograde.