If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

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I got Botox, and I asked the doctor, “How many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like, “Zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten Botox.”

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You should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower.

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Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

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To be blocked is to be seen and to be seen is to be loved.

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It’s important to remember that even parents make mistakes. In fact, it’s how many of us became parents.

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The difference between me and Superman is that he has super vision, and I need supervision.

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Reading a book is nice, but reading a book in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep is even better, it’s therapeutic.

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I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself. I won’t be doing that again.

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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until I’ve saved a million.”

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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse, probably.