If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

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Every time I talk, it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak.

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My least controversial opinion is that IKEA should have a bar. I think we were meant to consume three beers and then purchase a Gjörfbunkle.

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Job market so bad, I started following my dreams.

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Blink if you want me!

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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

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For a guy with no reflection, Dracula’s eyeliner is always flawless.

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How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cat’s wedding?

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For Thanksgiving don’t ask me about my life, just pass me the bottle.

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Sex is cool but have you ever had your bed all to yourself.

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My recliner and I go way back.