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Pets can’t talk but everyone loves them. This is not a coincidence.

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Funny thing about zombie movies – they never seem to go after the cameraman.

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I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

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I’ll find a cell mate before I’ll ever find a soulmate.

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What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

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Being excited to get in bed is a different level of adulting.

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Coffee: Because without it I would be a serious danger to society.

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Unfortunately, I wasn’t built for casual dating, I’m only built for intense soul crushing love at first sight.

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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.