I’m at the age where the first thing I do when I get somewhere is look for a place to sit.

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One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you have a favorite stove burner.

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Be the reason someone spits out their drink today.

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Shoutout to my kids because they aren’t listening!

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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

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I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

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I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.

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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

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With great power comes a huge electric bill.

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Tested positive for being single af

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Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.