I’m pretty sure I fall under the percentage of people who’ve eaten the sticker on the apple.

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I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

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Flirting back when you’re bored can really get you into some unwanted situations.

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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

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Saw a shooting star and made a wish for everyone to stop talking to me.

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If I honk at this person, maybe it will make them a better person.

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Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor.

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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

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My bad for thinking everyone has common sense.

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I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.”