I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

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Your opinions are not my business.

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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

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This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids.

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I bought my antidepressants off of Temu and now I glow in the dark.

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The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

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The reason my eyes are dilated is because I am so attracted to you, officer.

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I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

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We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced, so that stupid people won’t be offended.

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Dark mode changed me. White screens now feel like staring into the sun.