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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇬🇭 has downloaded:

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

I just borrowed some money from a cash app, now I’m about to uninstall it.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has viewed:

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that thing like it’s paprika.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has viewed:

l identify as a Christmas tree. Lit on the outside, dead on the inside.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has downloaded:

It’s called a Caesar Salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

Old enough to know better. Young enough to do it anyway.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has viewed:

Hey kid, wanna hear a scary story? One day, you will be able to do whatever you want, and you will choose to stay home alone.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has downloaded:

Tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has bookmarked:

Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,657

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Reddit:

“Winter is literally the best season.” Okay, husky, go sit outside then.

Seen just now on Slack:

“At your big age” is one of my favorite insults.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Welcome to your 40s, the best part of your day is now the heated seats in your car after a long day.

Going viral on Discord:

Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

Just landed via Slack:

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages?

Just landed via Snapchat:

Billionaires didn’t get rich by working harder. They got rich by making sure you work harder, get paid less, and spend more.

Seen just now on Threads:

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Going viral on Facebook:

Once your parents move from “What time are you coming back” to “Are you coming back today,” you have won the war.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

The nicest thing I’ve done for a date is turn up.

Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.”

2 months ago

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Commentary:
Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"
Me: "That I need a new job."

🤣 Looks like the previous job was a crash course in job hunting! 🏹 Good thing this candidate is quick on their feet! #JobHuntingChampion

career, career change, change, experience, humor, i, interviewer, job, job search, learn, me, need, new, new job, previous, search, work, work experience

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Social Media Stars ⭐

98 shares on Threads this month:

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

51 shares on Snapchat this month:

I be butt naked, texting people, and they’ll never know.

66 shares on Facebook this month:

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

19 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Hello bedtime my old friend, my brain is laughing once again.

62 shares on Telegram this month:

I don’t really do one-night stands, but I will do, like, 3-8 months of a semi-toxic, undefined relationship that wastes my time and ruins my life.

24 shares on X this month:

Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

52 shares on TikTok this month:

Laugh all you want. My Encyclopedia Britannica set will never require WiFi.

48 shares on Instagram this month:

Asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can.

58 shares on WeChat this month:

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

37 shares on Snapchat this month:

Nobody is more cold-blooded than a toddler, just saying what they see and feel.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇺🇸 has bookmarked:

Some of you need to be visited by the ghost of ‘Quit emailing me so much before Christmas.’

Someone from 🇩🇲 has downloaded:

Staying up all night so I don’t miss any good posts.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has bookmarked:

May the Force be with you… especially in Monday meetings.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has shared:

Recovering people pleasers will be like, “I’m in my villain era!” and it’s just politely drawing healthy boundaries.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has shared:

I can’t think of a single email that has ever found me well.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has copied:

I’m lacking vitamin c-ash.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has copied:

Why have abs when you can have kebabs?

Someone from 🇮🇶 has viewed:

I admire how time manages to quickly heal wounds but takes forever to remove awkward tan lines.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has bookmarked:

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has copied:

I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t turn into a disaster.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Pinterest:

Why would I spend money on the zoo when I can watch my colleagues for free?

Making waves on Reddit:

Obituaries should have clickbait titles.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

The problem with relationships these days is you don’t know if you’re the one being cheated on, or cheated with.

Making waves on Threads:

It’s important to post stupid stuff so you can learn who likes you.

Spreading quickly via Reddit:

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Making waves on WeChat:

Yes, I sometimes put my cell phone down. Especially when it rings.

Seen just now on Instagram:

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Trending via Threads:

USPS tracking: Step 1: We don’t think it exists. Step 2: Delivered.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Womansplaining is when a woman tries to explain to you what you’re thinking/feeling, and is just totally 100% wrong.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

You’re an adult if you’re happy every time the mailbox is empty.

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Activity Log ✨

Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.”

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.

I think you’re like the cat’s meow, annoying yet sweet.

Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.

“I’m fluent in creating worst-case scenarios in my head.”

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Activity Log ✨

Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.”

Keep the laugh going 😂

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.

I think you’re like the cat’s meow, annoying yet sweet.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.

If I ask “What’s your zodiac sign?” it’s either because we’re vibing or you’re getting on my nerves.

“I’m fluent in creating worst-case scenarios in my head.”

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