It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs.

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I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood, but I’m beginning to think they don’t worry about me.

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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

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Every house has a smell that only the people living in it don’t smell.

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May life treat you exactly the same way you treat servers, store clerks, senior citizens, children, and animals.

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I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat.

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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

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You ever see a woman so beautiful it makes you momentarily mentally ill?

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People always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected”, but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day.