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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇨 has bookmarked:

Yeah, I have a drinking problem. It’s called dehydration.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has copied:

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has bookmarked:

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has copied:

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has viewed:

I SAID YES!!!!!! after I asked myself if I wanted a breakfast burrito.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has shared:

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has bookmarked:

They did so well traumatizing us about teen pregnancy, I’m still traumatized as an adult.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok, why are you helping the devil?

Someone from 🇸🇳 has downloaded:

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has copied:

Family guy is so insane, because why were people dating that dog?

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

760 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,922

Funny Quotes Topics

13,890

Funny Quotes Images

10,922

Updated

17 minutes ago

Users Online

3,428

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Messenger:

Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Shared recently on X:

Some people call me crazy. I prefer the term happy with a twist.

Trending via Slack:

Dad Hack: Get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Just landed via Instagram:

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

Trending via Instagram:

How old is older? Because I’m still waiting for this wise thing to kick in.

Making waves on Twitch:

Rain cancels plans, upsetting some and delighting others.

Breaking via Messenger:

I’m so old, I still drink my coffee at home in the morning. From a real cup.

Spotted on TikTok:

What if babies had two umbilical cords and if you cut the wrong one, it exploded?

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

Men be like, “But I’m different.” Yeah, a different type of disappointment.

Just shared via Facebook:

Okay, new plan, I’m going to marry a Kardashian.

It’s cool that women want me, but it makes me sad that fish fear me.

3 days ago

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Commentary:
😂🐠 Seems like you've mastered the art of human attraction, but fish have you swimming up the creek without a paddle! 🏄‍♂️

animal, animal humor, confidence, cool, fear, fish, humor, me, quirky, romance, sad, sadness, self-esteem, want, women

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇦 has copied:

Sure, I could keep my thoughts to myself but I can’t see “Likes” in my journal.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has viewed:

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has shared:

Suicide is never the answer, you gotta outlive your enemies.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has downloaded:

If I shook my head at every stupid thing I saw, I’d have permanent whiplash.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has shared:

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

We should all go into advertising and fix what’s going on with commercials. They need our help.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has bookmarked:

I don’t know if I’m pregnant or what, but I’ve been craving 3 million dollars so bad.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

First World War. Kind of nervous.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has viewed:

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has bookmarked:

Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Slack:

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

Going viral on Messenger:

Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Spotted on YouTube:

Bring me a higher love. You have 24 hours. No cops.

Spotted on Messenger:

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night.

Making waves on TikTok:

Be useless, so nobody can use you.

Going viral on Pinterest:

To save money in this economy, I’ve tried eating out and I’ve tried cooking at home. The answer is starvation.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Just a friendly reminder folks. Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Just landed via Facebook:

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I’m sorry I lied to you. I only did it for material gain. And to cause you psychological harm. And to prove I’m smarter than you.

Spotted on Instagram:

By the way, if you don’t buy anything on Black Friday, you can save up to 100%.

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It’s cool that women want me, but it makes me sad that fish fear me.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I’m thinking stuff like “yeah” and also stuff like “yup.”

Voice messages. Just call, goddamnit!

Relationships are actually easy when you’re not dating a lying weirdo.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. I should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

I now also have a device that tells me whether I’ve taken enough steps today. If I don’t make it one day, it barks and poops in my apartment.

I am a person who wants to get a lot done, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep in and take naps at times.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Calm down, engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Beer is like weed for people with jobs.

Unfortunately, you have to almost worship the ground I walk on for me to believe you’re into me.

Not being filthy rich is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me.

I wish I were a wild horse in Kazakhstan. That would fix everything.

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries: it fills you up nicely but without the buzz…

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Sharpening a pencil at the bin was the childhood equivalent of taking a cigarette break.

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my kids were drawing of me.

You don’t have to be crazy to be friends with me. I also train people.

Everybody hates me for being a beautiful angel with a perfect soul.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

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It’s cool that women want me, but it makes me sad that fish fear me.

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