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When you’re two beers in, and you realize she looks like God.

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My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

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Another fine day ruined by waking up.

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I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

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Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle?

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That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.

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The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate.