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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇹 has copied:

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has viewed:

If I ever go missing, please print my picture on wine bottles and not on milk boxes. My friends are more likely to find me then.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has downloaded:

Your honor, my client doesn’t like jail.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has shared:

Not a religious man but I do say a short prayer whenever I open a gas station restroom door.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has shared:

I can clean the whole house if I want to, but if someone asks me to do it, suddenly I’m lazy.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has copied:

“I need a movie where the villain actually won!” Have you tried watching the news?

Someone from 🇹🇩 has copied:

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has bookmarked:

I’m ready for a new relationship. My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has bookmarked:

The only thing I don’t miss about the 90s is people smelling like cigarettes.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Messenger:

Phone so dry, I caught myself checking the weather.

Shared recently on Threads:

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

Shared recently on Threads:

“This too shall pass.” And then some other bullshit will come and take its place. It never f**king ends.

Just landed via Pinterest:

You’re not a real baddie until a man has tried to forbid you from posting on social media.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

Making waves on Facebook:

Sorry I’m unavailable… the horrors of reality insist upon themselves.

Spotted on WeChat:

Half princess, half menace.

Just shared via Telegram:

According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 4 days until Christmas.

Live now on X:

Therapy isn’t gonna cut it, I need vengeance.

Just shared via Discord:

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

2 months ago

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Turning into a serial complimenter, one kind word at a time! 😄💬💀

compliment, compliments, humor, irony, killing, kindness, murder, pun, wordplay

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33 shares on Threads this month:

Some people believe the appendix is a vestigial organ, that its use has long since passed. I think it’s primordial. Its use has yet to come.

24 shares on Slack this month:

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

50 shares on Threads this month:

Sorry for bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to bash my head into the walls anymore.

66 shares on Discord this month:

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

100 shares on LinkedIn this month:

“Stop recording everything and just enjoy the moment” is asking me for videos from last night.

31 shares on WhatsApp this month:

The only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”

35 shares on Instagram this month:

The more attention you get on this website, the less you enjoy being on it.

88 shares on Discord this month:

I drive regularly so that my brain doesn’t forget swear words.

53 shares on Facebook this month:

This is the wrong generation for people with an old soul.

72 shares on Telegram this month:

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇲 has viewed:

Every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer-causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a Microsoft Excel sheet.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has shared:

November should have one more day. Just because to me November 31st sounds real. And also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has bookmarked:

Ah yes, my abandonment issues due to all the abandonment.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has copied:

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has viewed:

A gentleman opens doors and brings flowers. A man smacks your ass and pulls your hair. A soulmate does both.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has downloaded:

I think my soulmate might be carbs.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has shared:

I’m done wasting money this summer, unless you guys want to do something this weekend.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has shared:

I’m the ick in fantastic.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has shared:

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has shared:

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I could win awards for having a bad memory. In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Seen just now on X:

I like people who make me forget that I’m shy.

Shared recently on Messenger:

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

Trending via Instagram:

Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched your unread books.

Going viral on Facebook:

I’m perverted, but in an elegant and whimsical way.

Trending via Reddit:

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Just landed via Instagram:

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Trending via Slack:

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Do you ever look into your cats eyes and realize that a person is inside there?

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Activity Log ✨

Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

Saving on divorce lawyers by staying single.

I accidentally said “large” instead of “venti” at Starbucks and now the cops are here.

Accidentally falling asleep is always the best sleep — and that’s so irritating.

This post is highly top-secret. You need to forget that you’ve seen it immediately.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile, I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio?

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Activity Log ✨

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Saving on divorce lawyers by staying single.

I accidentally said “large” instead of “venti” at Starbucks and now the cops are here.

Accidentally falling asleep is always the best sleep — and that’s so irritating.

This post is highly top-secret. You need to forget that you’ve seen it immediately.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile, I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio?

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨