Maturing is when you’d rather drink your bourbon half-naked on the couch than go out.

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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

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Notice how you don’t catch me in public, it’s because i’m not real.

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With great power comes a huge electric bill.

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Being annoying is the most beautiful thing a woman could be.

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Next to nothing is a weird place.

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Working my first office job. Is it normal to have nothing to do?

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I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

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I told you so. Kind regards, your gut feeling.

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Might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry.

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My search history is filled with me googling regular words just to make sure I’m using them right.