My advice to kids in kindergarten is to start saving all the money.

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The older I get, the more I don’t want to do things.

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Buying books and reading them are actually two entirely different hobbies.

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A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year.

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The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

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My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

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Gotta find someone you’re thermostatically compatible with. You can’t be a 74 dating a 62.

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Chuck Norris can rub two fires together to get a piece of wood.

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I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.

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Have you ever noticed that when you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth? It’s like a folding trash can.

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My wife bought new towels and they’re different colors, so I know the entire color scheme of my house is about to change.