My ex had this fetish where he would dress up in his own clothes and act like an idiot.

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I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

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Working out consistently yields results, but mannnnnnn…… the laundry.

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I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

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The only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”

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A piece of chocolate contains just enough energy to take another one.

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Love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing “God save the Quing”

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My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

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Obsessed with how Siri just doesn’t work at all, ever.

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I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee.

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Welcome to middle age: your chin looks lonely; here’s another one.