My sex life is so dead, it has its own tombstone.

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I taped a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

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That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.

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Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.

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Back in the day, you used to have to listen to records backwards to discover conspiracy theories.

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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

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The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

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You know who’s gonna love you in the end? Your dog.