Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.

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Using Indeed feels like being an ugly guy on a dating app.

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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

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Realizing this yogurt I’m eating is more active and cultured than I am.

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New year update: losing everything but weight.

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I don’t have any generational wealth but I did inherit a great spaghetti sauce recipe.

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Sometimes I do something completely out of character, like say no to a slice of pizza, or trust someone.

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The art of today’s art is to persuade people that it’s art.

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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.