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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

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“Gravy is not a beverage.” Okay, well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me.

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Retiring my wallet condom after two years of active duty. 87 tours with 0 combat deployments.

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All the clouds have come out to play today.

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We used to pass notes in class like spies. Folded like origami. Deep like Shakespeare.

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I know I just ate a snack, but I could really use a snack.